A number of years ago, I was in the most hopeless state of my life because I doubted God’s existence. I had been praying for years that my husband’s abuse would end, though there were times of peace, his fits of rage were still something to be feared.
I desperately wanted our marriage to be saved and I prayed continually for it, but nothing ever changed. In fact, it got worse. I really felt that God had abandoned me and I was left to figure out this mess alone. But I was living in this fog of confusion brought on by the manipulative, controlling behavior of my abusive husband and I was struggling with what was actually right and wrong.
My hope was waning…and it was a most frightening place to be. I was giving up on hope because it brought about too much disappointment. Hoping to me, could bring as much sorrow as the wounds that caused the pain in my life.
Because I saw no change, no rescue from God, I started believing he didn’t care about my suffering, and I reasoned that if he did not care to help me, then he must not exist. This is when I fell into the most depressing state I have ever been in and I knew nothing of how to escape it.
During this time we were invited to Mammoth by some friends. It was a beautiful winter with much snow fall. I had never seen anything so breathtaking. Snow was everywhere blanketing all the trees and buildings. I decided to take a walk along a snow covered path and absorb all the beauty. I have always adored the out doors; nature is something I relish in and this was a gift to my soul.
As I walked I wondered…”If God did not exist who created this majestic scene? Why were snowflakes designed so uniquely? How then was mankind even made?” Heavy questions for a simple walk in the snow, but this where God met me.
I never believed in evolution; there is just too much complexity and beauty in creation for it have randomly happened without a designer.
So, I reasoned, if God created all things, then what the Bible says is true and if the Bible is true in some parts, it’s true in all parts. So, if he says he loves me and is here to help me then, he is. All heaviness came off me as I knew in my heart God did not abandoned me and that he would indeed show me the way. It may sound simplistic, but things do not have to be complicated, we just think they do.
Hope returned in the beauty of nature, for me. Hope can return for you in the beauty of a child’s smile, a loved ones hug, or anything that you allow. Reach for hope; because it is there waiting for you. You see, hope is all around you, because God in his compassion has placed it there. Keep trusting, for God has not forgotten you.
Things did not change immediately for me regarding my marriage, but a few months later, God did rescue me and my kids, in a way I would never have expected. God was faithful as he showed me his tenderness and care and in so doing, he brought even more hope back to my soul.